I woke up with a terrible headache that started at some point yesterday. I think it was after I paid $25 for some tickets to a movie for me and my daughter. I was like jesus, it was actually less for us to eat lunch afterwards-but we enjoyed the movie and ate out and went to the library but I couldn't shake this headache. Figuring it would go away on its own, I didn't take anything and it just was still there after a few hours. Wrote in my journal, watched some tv and went to bed at about 2 am-ish.
Then, I had the nightmare. I could not find someone. I only had an old address, so I had to go to this church and post these documents everywhere. My head was hurting and my soul was hurting. You see, this person is now a priest but he is denying me access to the one thing in my life that would complete my happiness-my other kids. It doesn't take rocket science to figure out that it's my ex husband. So, as I'm leaving the church, after posting the most embarrassing flyers about him all over the place, he appears. But he manifests himself into another person that has hurt me in my life. This person molested me and when he looked at me, he had the voice and appearance of the molester and said, "You just need to stop, this is fruitless, you are only hurting yourself." I was so angry with him-with the both of them-and I started yelling and my head started pounding so hard and it felt like it was pounding so loud that I couldn't hear. It was like the scene in my dream, on that street was wavy and this person was talking to me and I was yelling so loud that the words didn't make sense. Then, I took control of the dream and made my ex boyfriend appear with his gangbanger friends drive up and kidnap and kill him. But this is just another manifestation of the anger that I can't let go.
Yes, I realized that even at 40, I can't let go of the anger that I've held on to these people so long that it inhibits me from doing me what I want to get done. Better yet, what I need to get done. I am so angry that I want to hurt him, but I only end up hurting myself. I don't do what I need to do, I don't pay what I need to pay because I figure if I ignore it, then it will go away. The only thing is that I end up hurting myself and stressing myself out more than him and I'm sure he doesn't even care. He only doesn't want me to see, touch, feel, smell nor have contact with my kids-the only thing he has over me that can hurt me.
Thus, if I am more pro active and do what needs to be done, then I am not as stressed. It turns out the people that I need to help me don't want to help me because I have fucked up so bad. The ones that want to help me don't understand why I keep fucking up and want me to recognize and get better. These are the ones that push me and get frustrated with me and want to shake me until I get some sense in me.
Being proactive would help to relieve my stress-stop grinding my teeth, stop acting against myself and make me accept things that I can change. I would not be afraid of needles in my mouth yet I don't have a problem with putting needles on my skin. Something that last a lifetime that is outside is just as worthy as something that helps me eat and enjoy the sweetness of inside.
My friends and family love me and want the best for me. Everyone walks around on eggshells because they are afraid to hurt me. My friends are stronger and push me harder because they can see that person inside me that I once was, the person that I am fighting so hard to suppress and push down so I can let the eternal sadness of depression sweep over me. I miss that other person. I miss her. I miss when she would take her kids down to the Mall and hangout and have picnics or just live freely and walk down the street smiling for no reason whatsoever. Now I have morphed into a hermit of sorts that has given up on herself to the point of daily visualizing my feet dangling above an overturned chair.
The only thing in my way is me. And I learned this by watching Eat, Pray, Love and getting over my hatred of Julia Roberts. Some folks wrote this movie off as fluff, then there are some women that went out and had the "experience" of Eat, Pray, Love. Now I understand why when my sister broke up with her ex, she wouldn't let him win. It was a hard break up, but she told me that she would dress up for herself. Not for anyone else, but for herself because she wanted to feel pretty. My other sister changes herself whenever she has a life changing event and made me realize that it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks of you on the outside, it's what you think of you and once you accept that change, then to hell with the world.
Embrace yourself and to hell with everyone else. All the pieces will fall into place. I would like to pass this off to my children-and I will see them again, even if I have to invoke their names everyday so that somewhere in the karmic universe they will feel the love coming from their mom who is less than 400 miles away.
I'll tell you this-when I find the person I was, the whole world better just get out of the way because she's coming back roaring like a lion and all hell will break lose.