For me, today started out okay. Emphasis on oh-kaaay. Woke up, pressed clothes, except I forgot I had to fill out an application for an appointment I had at 9, that's okay-knocked it out. My hair was okay until I walked out side, there was residual warmth, thereby prompting what started out as a cute 60's wrap with a flip in the back to turn into a half blown brillo pad with wings.
But, it was still good. Then, the bus came late. That's okay, chick drove like a bat out of hell, so we made it on time to our connection. Breakfast on the bus, our routine. I pull out the breakfast bar and someone (aged 8 who will remain nameless) decided to speak perfectly clear, "I don't want that." Stops, looks at me and zips her coat up to her nose. "That's it and some capri sun, now you will eat this bar!" I whisper through gritted teeth. I wanted to tell her children in El Salvador and Africa don't have it this good. But it was beyond her anyway. Nevertheless, she ate it.
Get to school and I notice one of her teachers has a rather big butt. Like wow, you are so tiny but that ass is just wow! Tinge of jealousy as I pull up my suit like pants-even with a belt on they sag- and jump in the elevator. Someone's friends show up early and I use my magical powers to become invisi-mommy. (patent pending bitches, don't even think about it). She can stay with us, says big butt teacher, so off I go.
Outside, it was supposed to be 8:30 am but it looked like 9:45 pm. It was dark and windy and just plain scary. I'm thinking, this is how it is at night over here. Okay, maybe living on this side of town not a good idea after all. There's the bus, it's empty and I make it. Cool. WTF? Sky is darker, now it's black. A couple sits behind me and whispers ultra loud, so I move my seat behind the mohawked dude playing Tetris on his iphone or whatever. This is DC baby, we roll with the latest tech!
Get downtown and look for the address. Oh shit, epiphany and realize I need to get off the bus now. Run to the front with my brillo pad hair and saggy booty pants and the driver opens the door. Rain flies in before I can open my umbrella. Shit. Hair is now windblown brillo pad, shoes are not so sexy sparkly, more like ug. Then I notice my knee highs don't match. Play it off, I'm brown, they are brown, it's just two shades of brown.
Get to the building and Father Africa (very African, super heavy accent) booms a big "Welcome to {redacted} Building. Howl cin I hep ewe? Dood cho ave dee eye dee? Chick oht when cho leave. Yous go to the ten floor, soo-weet {redacted}." Yeah, okay but I can't get my half umbrella into one of those full umbrella bags. Shit, I look like I'm special needs or something and I just say fuck it and it slides right in.
In the interview, I have to listen to a woman complain about how her trainer worked her out so hard yesterday. (Really? All them tight clothes and spanx, I nev-ah would have guessed!) Then, I start regretting watching Star 80 last night cuz I get cozy and comfortable and sleepy then here she comes! My interviewer, in my face like a ray of sunshine and pink gums! Let's go in here.
In our awkward dance, I am sat next to the window with a very cold air paralyzing the left side of my face and giving me now a half afro. She's talking to me like wonk wonk wonk and I'm like, "I look ugly and strange to this woman, how can she keep a straight face?" I know she'll leave later and tell her friends, "Y'all see her hair? Brillo pad! I think she had a stroke, her hands were cold and the left side of her face was paralyzed!" Everything goes well, my name goes out with other folks the day after spring break ends. We shake hands, I get her card and I leave.
Then, I get the text from BB. She describes how her day is the worst day anyone could possibly experience. I'll spare you the details, but it's pretty bad. She also needs to come off that rock cuz she's a bit paranoid sometimes. I go to a magazine store to kill time when I realize the bus just went by me. Shit! Oh well, killing time, reading magazines, feeling guilty until I work my way to the back and smell pee. Christ, a homeless man is sleeping in front of all the home improvement mags that I like. No, dirty homeless dude, like go away. Did he just pee again? I heard a sound. Shit, move...step step step. Oh well, 10 minutes till the next bus, go get coffee.
There are approximately 25 people waiting for coffee in the Starfucks. "Will she be fast? I got like 5 minutes to get the bus." My better judgement told me no but my stomach was like drink something or I will make you puke outside this place. Then one machine was broken, then the bus came 30 minutes late. The temperature had dropped, I'm standing outside in the thinnest pants in the world, mismatched knee highs and brillo pad winged hair. I turn to ask the non english speaking chick behind me has a certain bus gone by and she looks terrified. She starts speaking in parsel tongue or something. Okay, I'm hideous. I look at the guy behind her, great, he's got one fucking eye. Of course, I focus on that eye and he's like, "Yup you missed it by 10 minutes." Shit shit shit!! Okay, stop looking at his eye. Non english speaking lady keeps talking to me. Christ woman, where are you from, I get it, you want to help the poor looking degenerate but you can't speak enough english to string together the simplest of sentences-only boos? boos kahm yah. I swear, that's what it sounded like.
I am shaking, freezing, rain is coming down and then my umbrella decides it's inside out day. Laugh at me car people, one day you will be me and I will be you and not offer you a ride. Laugh in your warm cars. I got so desperate that every bus that wasn't mine that came by, I stood by the fucking exhaust to warm up.
My life is sad at this point.
Behold! A unicorn! It's coming, my bus! I get on and say to the bus driver, "Thank you Mr. Unicorn" but it comes out as snot, a sniffle and then an old person farting. He knew what I said cuz he lurched forward and I flew straight to the back of the bus, executing the most perfect leap while looking like an ass at the same time! If only I didn't read her email, shit.
Me and BB talk on the bus. Blah blah blah, you're paranoid. Blah blah AC you are right. Blah blah, here's my stop, I'm getting off. Get home, can't find keys, go inside. I want to take a nap but spend time talking to my sister about who in the hell is Demi Lovato and is Disney making robot children. Okay, nap time. Cool. I'll just...
I'm hungier than a motherfucker...I'll go to the carryout, now that I'm at room temperature. I want chicken fingers and french fries cooked hard. "You WANH BROW FRY?" I just look at this man. "Cook the fries hard." He reiterates, "BROW FRY?" Um yeah. "YOU DRINK?" (An aside, why do most asians think americans are deaf? This dude was yelling at me like I had 8 ears and 16 hearing aids). "I'll have a mix, little ice." Don't repeat it back, please. "YOU WAH MEEX WIH ICE? YEAH? MEEX ICE?" Oh Jesus dude, yes. I swear he turned to the cook and said, in whatever language it was, "Spit in her food."
I make it back. Talk to BB. Now, she's off the phone, I'm gonna watch some tv, get a quick nap, wait for my ride to take me to get S and be done with it. My ride calls-he has a meeting with someone important who calls for meetings but never plans accordingly. I'm gonna have to dump you. Shit. It's okay, Zipcar + nap + tv + food =happy.
Direct TV can rot in hell. There is no picture nor sound, just a bouncing fucking logo. So, I call and proceed to curse everyone out~as my nap is now ruined. I turn on the tv in the living room (with the alleged broke reciever) and right as I get knee deep in dude's ass, the sound pops in with the picture so loud that even he knew it was Bonanza. "Is that the tv in the bedroom? Since your tv in the living room has the broken receiver?" I know you know asshole, gotta play it off, "I need you to escalate this call dude, like now." Run to the bedroom, okay no picture, no problem. No sound. Escalation gets on, "Hi I'm a random happy dude having the greatest day ever and I'm probably getting a blow job as we speak, how can I help you?" My cable is out. "Fan-tas-tic. Let's get this solved for you, I see you are a long time customer, I love you for that, so I'm going to really work hard at making you happy." Whatever. Then, I am asked to go outside, check the sky for clouds when the mailman bangs on the door, "PACKAGE!" He leaves. I run downstairs, oh look, I get my new Vanity Fair. (reading that makes me look smart.) Not a cloud in the sky, I tell Direct TV Blowjob. Run inside and promptly fall face down on the stairs. Did I just cut one? No, I'm safe, it was the plastic sliding beneath me. Back inside, cable on, cable off.
I feel like the Karate Kid, wax on, wax off.
"Now that I've totally rocked your world, is there anything else I can do for you today? No, great awesome, thanks for calling and you are a rockstar." not his exact words, but close enough.
Nap time is now close to being fucked. Well, I'll just download some songs and make a mix cd. What's this now? Great a trojan virus is on my computer. Jesus H Crackers. Me and BB spend the next hour downloading all kinds of shit to beat it. (Trojan assassinated at 800 pm tonight). I ordered a pizza, went to sit on the couch and the next thing, my neighbor is banging on my door. Thank God I put my mammy scarf on, trying to compose myself and pretend that's not drool on my face, I open the door, "Yes?"
"Pizza's here for you." Oh shit. I fell asleep. I thank him then try to find a pen, then he bizarringly turns into my dad, "Are you coming down or what?" Yeah, I gotta find a pen man, jeez.
Tired old man from the Depression era hands me my pizza. "Where duh chicken I ord-ah?" He goes, "What chicken, dis here it." He points to the label and in all my idiotness I forgot to add the chicken on. Yet S is screeeching at the top of the stairs, "PIZZA PIZZA PIZZAPIZZAPIZZAILOVEYOUMOMPIZZAISMYFAVORITEFOOD!"
I can't even eat. She eats 3 pieces, watches the backyardigans, we do some word reviews, take pics in new clothes and she goes to bed. I'm still studying psychology.
And I have phantom toothpain. Where there is no tooth, there is pain. Yes, it hurts like a bitch. But I always miss with the orajel and my mouth becomes a blue numbness. Then, I try to drink something and look extra special as water dribbles down my face and I think, "This is how I will be when I get old."
Song of the day-"Driven to Tears" by Sting. Yeah, that's my whole day in a nutshell.