The Tom Hiddleston Problem

So, I had this other blog where I was posing as "legit writer".  I semi enjoyed it.  I mean, as a writer, I am more visual but sometimes you just need to drop an anonymous vent.  That's why I am back.

Lots of things have changed and I will try to post more  so I'm not so internally uptight and in desperate need of a dildo or something.  The other something could be Tom Hiddleston, but let me back up.

Updates-I got the job at the library and it will be 5 years in May.  I have no intention of quitting.  It's a bit irregular sometimes, but for awhile, my branch was the party branch.  Give us half a reason and we will have a party for anything.

But I digress...

Last year, Tom Hiddleston dated Taylor Swift.  I mean, I cannot relate to her at all.  Like zilch.  She falls under my category, "Rich Girls that are Perky and White that I cannot Relate to".  My number one is Kate Hudson, but Taytay is rolling right up there with number two.  I mean, I have sincerely tried so hard.  I can't make it through a Kate Hudson movie.  I have a teenager (my third and last) and she likes Taytay.  I like watching her videos but I think they are like dating services.  Like, "Scott Eastwood is so ruggedly handsome, I need that type in my video.  Oh, and let's go to the forbidden lands of Africa to shoot this shit."

Whatever, Tay.

So, old boy Tom went out with her after she kinda got a boob job that she never acknowledged.  We all saw.  It's like you went from -A cup to C cup.  And there are not enough push ups or whatevers that can make your itty bitties that big.  No way in the name of Jesus and Salma Hayek sprinkling holy water on them dogs.  Nah, son.

I don't know if this makes him a dog or what.  He's always been one to be one of those undercover lover kinda dudes.  Either way, you never knew who he was dating or even if he was gay.  He was seen out and about with all types.  When they hooked up, I was like, "Huh, how about that."

I tried to get all mad at my boo.  No, Tom, you are such a British gentleman and a nerd, you can't join the cheerleaders!  I need you at the table where we discuss Shakespeare's genius!  We bring packed salads for lunch and eat outside on blankets-when our allergies aren't killing us.  We are all asexual beings but no, you left us for the cool kids club.

And that's when I realized it.  It wasn't Tom Hiddleston I liked, it was the roles he played in the movies.  Elaborations are necessary:  In "Only Lovers Left Alive", he slinked around and sucked on blood popsicles.  He made love to Tilda (my secret lady crush) and slept naked, holding her so protectively.  God, I thought my girl parts were in flames.  Then, he was a vampire.

Oh Lord, that just knocked my shit over.  And he danced.  and he had rhythm.  I just...I watched that movie so many times just to watch him slink around on screen all sexy.  I was ready to go to Morocco and offer myself to him in an alley, like, "Just take me and do whatever you need."

Can you not see yourself being this popsicle right now?

Okay, that's enough to set mommy on fire, but no...there's more:

Did you need something from the store or you just want me to stand here while you think?

I feel like Austin Powers-"Yeah, baby! Let's get randy!!"  Or whatever he says.  Either way, he is particularly delicious as Loki.  Oh yeah, just yummy because he's so baaad.  I doesn't even matter what he's doing.  As long as he is Loki and being all extra evil and shit, I'm like (eyes rolling back in my head, body vibrating) "Dude, take me!"

Allow me to elaborate:

"Shall we fuck on the rocks or in the garden?"

You get the gist.  So, now, I've got my grown woman on and I'm like, "Hey, Tom, bro, it's all good.  Go on and date whoever you feel the need to date.  Just keep being those sexy bad guys and showing your ass and stuff and I'm cool.  I mean 'Crimson Peak' just had me on the edge of my seat, slipping off, needing an extra pair of underwear."  This seems to happen a lot.  I guess when you don't get laid on the yearly cycle, you are extra horny.

But then when you do get a minute man to come do the job and he's like, "How was it?"  and you sneeze and say, "Dude, you done?"  That's a world of no.

In conclusion, I will always love you Tom (but not for Bond, you seem a bit fey for that.  Too skinny.  I'm a Connery girl.) and you can date whomever.  Just remember the chicks that fund your career and keep taking those parts where you are all extra evil and delicious.  Talk to Fassy, he can give you some tips, I'm sure.

Just bite me already, damn.