I woke up with a terrible headache that started at some point yesterday. I think it was after I paid $25 for some tickets to a movie for me and my daughter. I was like jesus, it was actually less for us to eat lunch afterwards-but we enjoyed the movie and ate out and went to the library but I couldn't shake this headache. Figuring it would go away on its own, I didn't take anything and it just was still there after a few hours. Wrote in my journal, watched some tv and went to bed at about 2 am-ish.
Then, I had the nightmare. I could not find someone. I only had an old address, so I had to go to this church and post these documents everywhere. My head was hurting and my soul was hurting. You see, this person is now a priest but he is denying me access to the one thing in my life that would complete my happiness-my other kids. It doesn't take rocket science to figure out that it's my ex husband. So, as I'm leaving the church, after posting the most embarrassing flyers about him all over the place, he appears. But he manifests himself into another person that has hurt me in my life. This person molested me and when he looked at me, he had the voice and appearance of the molester and said, "You just need to stop, this is fruitless, you are only hurting yourself." I was so angry with him-with the both of them-and I started yelling and my head started pounding so hard and it felt like it was pounding so loud that I couldn't hear. It was like the scene in my dream, on that street was wavy and this person was talking to me and I was yelling so loud that the words didn't make sense. Then, I took control of the dream and made my ex boyfriend appear with his gangbanger friends drive up and kidnap and kill him. But this is just another manifestation of the anger that I can't let go.
Yes, I realized that even at 40, I can't let go of the anger that I've held on to these people so long that it inhibits me from doing me what I want to get done. Better yet, what I need to get done. I am so angry that I want to hurt him, but I only end up hurting myself. I don't do what I need to do, I don't pay what I need to pay because I figure if I ignore it, then it will go away. The only thing is that I end up hurting myself and stressing myself out more than him and I'm sure he doesn't even care. He only doesn't want me to see, touch, feel, smell nor have contact with my kids-the only thing he has over me that can hurt me.
Thus, if I am more pro active and do what needs to be done, then I am not as stressed. It turns out the people that I need to help me don't want to help me because I have fucked up so bad. The ones that want to help me don't understand why I keep fucking up and want me to recognize and get better. These are the ones that push me and get frustrated with me and want to shake me until I get some sense in me.
Being proactive would help to relieve my stress-stop grinding my teeth, stop acting against myself and make me accept things that I can change. I would not be afraid of needles in my mouth yet I don't have a problem with putting needles on my skin. Something that last a lifetime that is outside is just as worthy as something that helps me eat and enjoy the sweetness of inside.
My friends and family love me and want the best for me. Everyone walks around on eggshells because they are afraid to hurt me. My friends are stronger and push me harder because they can see that person inside me that I once was, the person that I am fighting so hard to suppress and push down so I can let the eternal sadness of depression sweep over me. I miss that other person. I miss her. I miss when she would take her kids down to the Mall and hangout and have picnics or just live freely and walk down the street smiling for no reason whatsoever. Now I have morphed into a hermit of sorts that has given up on herself to the point of daily visualizing my feet dangling above an overturned chair.
The only thing in my way is me. And I learned this by watching Eat, Pray, Love and getting over my hatred of Julia Roberts. Some folks wrote this movie off as fluff, then there are some women that went out and had the "experience" of Eat, Pray, Love. Now I understand why when my sister broke up with her ex, she wouldn't let him win. It was a hard break up, but she told me that she would dress up for herself. Not for anyone else, but for herself because she wanted to feel pretty. My other sister changes herself whenever she has a life changing event and made me realize that it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks of you on the outside, it's what you think of you and once you accept that change, then to hell with the world.
Embrace yourself and to hell with everyone else. All the pieces will fall into place. I would like to pass this off to my children-and I will see them again, even if I have to invoke their names everyday so that somewhere in the karmic universe they will feel the love coming from their mom who is less than 400 miles away.
I'll tell you this-when I find the person I was, the whole world better just get out of the way because she's coming back roaring like a lion and all hell will break lose.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Insert Witty Retort Here
I have a headache. I'm still having allergy problems, but they are finally going away. I like this feeling I have right now, a little bit...it's a feeling of accomplishment. See there was a lot of shit I was supposed to do and a lot of shit I didn't do or was gonna do. Finally, I just did it and it wasn't that bad.
So, I went to the clinic today to register for benefits to cover my slowly rotting corpse. Painless, got it done in about an hour and a half, as opposed to going to the welfare office, which I would still be in there.
I feel like working on my paper tonight but I know I probably didn't pass this class, but you can't say I didn't try. After tonight, I'm free, for a bit. Speaking of schooling, I found out that when I applied for a scholarship last year, I apparently got it. It's worth $9,000. Yeah. So now I can have my teaching transcripts evaluated and move forward from there.
Working with the kid hasn't been bad. She's been hungry to learn. I just feel bad I may have to cut our week short a bit on Wednesday. Her dad went into the hospital today. He has severe allergies. I only have light to moderate allergies. Though my head has been fucked for a few days now, and last night I didn't get to bed until about 2 am because of either toothache or allergy pain. I noticed I was able to sleep when I took the little red pill. (the nasal decongestant not the matrix).
My laptop keeps coming offline and I have to put it back online whenever I use it outside of the house. Now I know how to do that, so that makes me feel good.
My abusive ex kept calling me from his home country and finally I just told him to stop calling me for good. Like don't call me ever. Satisfaction. Mmmmm...you can taste it.
I wanted to make some brownies, but that may not be a a good idea and I don't have the stupid brownie cups but they would have been good. I'm gonna steam some broccoli, make some mac n cheese and the steaks are out of the oven. I sure could use some candied yams though.
Tomorrow, getting my taxes so I can get my grubby little hands on this money and taking care of another out of state issue.
Mama happy.
this is a funny picture of the kid hitting dad in the face-but they both look scared shitless. It makes me laugh.
So, I went to the clinic today to register for benefits to cover my slowly rotting corpse. Painless, got it done in about an hour and a half, as opposed to going to the welfare office, which I would still be in there.
I feel like working on my paper tonight but I know I probably didn't pass this class, but you can't say I didn't try. After tonight, I'm free, for a bit. Speaking of schooling, I found out that when I applied for a scholarship last year, I apparently got it. It's worth $9,000. Yeah. So now I can have my teaching transcripts evaluated and move forward from there.
Working with the kid hasn't been bad. She's been hungry to learn. I just feel bad I may have to cut our week short a bit on Wednesday. Her dad went into the hospital today. He has severe allergies. I only have light to moderate allergies. Though my head has been fucked for a few days now, and last night I didn't get to bed until about 2 am because of either toothache or allergy pain. I noticed I was able to sleep when I took the little red pill. (the nasal decongestant not the matrix).
My laptop keeps coming offline and I have to put it back online whenever I use it outside of the house. Now I know how to do that, so that makes me feel good.
My abusive ex kept calling me from his home country and finally I just told him to stop calling me for good. Like don't call me ever. Satisfaction. Mmmmm...you can taste it.
I wanted to make some brownies, but that may not be a a good idea and I don't have the stupid brownie cups but they would have been good. I'm gonna steam some broccoli, make some mac n cheese and the steaks are out of the oven. I sure could use some candied yams though.
Tomorrow, getting my taxes so I can get my grubby little hands on this money and taking care of another out of state issue.
Mama happy.
this is a funny picture of the kid hitting dad in the face-but they both look scared shitless. It makes me laugh.
Friday, April 15, 2011
random thougth
thith ith how i thound becauth i haf allergieth.
fortunately, i won't be writing all that way. but i do have some random thoughts and ideas i'd like to share:
1. i have slept my psychology class all term. self fulfilling prophecy...will I fail? I don't know.
2. when you already have the runs, shouldn't you just eat more shit to mess up your stomach? for some odd reason I have a particularly explosive butt that prohibits me from being no more than 2 feet away from the toilet. Thusly, i shall make some chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, cooking them half raw and eating them, but drinking them with water.
3. studies have proven that drinking milk while you have a runny nose does not produce excess mucus. so all you snot nosed folks, drink on!
4. john galliano got fired from his own company for admiring hitler. i'm not saying they were wrong, but damn, to be fired from your own company, how do you collect unemployment? ("see, i'm not saying i'm a racist or anything, you lazy person handling my claim, i'm just saying hitler was efficient. do you have any jewish friends? oh...what do i do for a living? i wear a pencil thin mustache and make really great couture? the name of the company? why...what do you mean i can't collect unemployment because my company is still in business? are you jewish....")
5. eating dijon mustard with a sore throat is a really bad idea. that shit went flying through my right nostril and i think i set my dishes on fire. not to mention my throat repelled water when i drank it.
6. i love my friends, they are trying to help me get a job...but it's like bombardment! send me your resume NOW!!! NOW!! NOW!!! oh man, the moment has passed.
7. speaking of, why would i take a job that pays less than what i make a week in unemployment. allow me to elaborate. i would have to pay for transportation (regardless) before and after care expenses and everything when i could just sit on my ass and make more money getting unemployment. of course if this goes all summer, i'd best get the best grades in class. no excuse for not studying.
8. charlie sheen is walking for bipolar awareness. isn't this a daily thing for him? think hard, you'll get the joke.
9. the internet is not the best way to have a relationship. i was talking to this dude and we broke up because i saw that he was a user and said shit like all gays have aids and will be struck down by god....blah blah blah...he was mexican. i called him a beaner and told him to go fuck himself.
10. why is it that when i give my 8 year old full control of the tv, she decides that her bedroom is way more interesting. but when i'm watching a show on tv, she has got to watch wow wow fucking wubbzy at that very moment or the world will end?
11. i don't talk to people who are energy/soul suckers. they bombard you with their problems and just take all your energy, then proceed to hang up saying, 'wow, i feel better!'
jennifer lopez aka square face is the most beautiful woman in the world? i can't wait to see the backlash on that issue of people magazine.
fortunately, i won't be writing all that way. but i do have some random thoughts and ideas i'd like to share:
1. i have slept my psychology class all term. self fulfilling prophecy...will I fail? I don't know.
2. when you already have the runs, shouldn't you just eat more shit to mess up your stomach? for some odd reason I have a particularly explosive butt that prohibits me from being no more than 2 feet away from the toilet. Thusly, i shall make some chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, cooking them half raw and eating them, but drinking them with water.
3. studies have proven that drinking milk while you have a runny nose does not produce excess mucus. so all you snot nosed folks, drink on!
4. john galliano got fired from his own company for admiring hitler. i'm not saying they were wrong, but damn, to be fired from your own company, how do you collect unemployment? ("see, i'm not saying i'm a racist or anything, you lazy person handling my claim, i'm just saying hitler was efficient. do you have any jewish friends? oh...what do i do for a living? i wear a pencil thin mustache and make really great couture? the name of the company? why...what do you mean i can't collect unemployment because my company is still in business? are you jewish....")
5. eating dijon mustard with a sore throat is a really bad idea. that shit went flying through my right nostril and i think i set my dishes on fire. not to mention my throat repelled water when i drank it.
6. i love my friends, they are trying to help me get a job...but it's like bombardment! send me your resume NOW!!! NOW!! NOW!!! oh man, the moment has passed.
7. speaking of, why would i take a job that pays less than what i make a week in unemployment. allow me to elaborate. i would have to pay for transportation (regardless) before and after care expenses and everything when i could just sit on my ass and make more money getting unemployment. of course if this goes all summer, i'd best get the best grades in class. no excuse for not studying.
8. charlie sheen is walking for bipolar awareness. isn't this a daily thing for him? think hard, you'll get the joke.
9. the internet is not the best way to have a relationship. i was talking to this dude and we broke up because i saw that he was a user and said shit like all gays have aids and will be struck down by god....blah blah blah...he was mexican. i called him a beaner and told him to go fuck himself.
10. why is it that when i give my 8 year old full control of the tv, she decides that her bedroom is way more interesting. but when i'm watching a show on tv, she has got to watch wow wow fucking wubbzy at that very moment or the world will end?
11. i don't talk to people who are energy/soul suckers. they bombard you with their problems and just take all your energy, then proceed to hang up saying, 'wow, i feel better!'
jennifer lopez aka square face is the most beautiful woman in the world? i can't wait to see the backlash on that issue of people magazine.
enjoy Will Ferrell speaking Spanish with Diego y Gael
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
BB needs to keep her bad days to herself
For me, today started out okay. Emphasis on oh-kaaay. Woke up, pressed clothes, except I forgot I had to fill out an application for an appointment I had at 9, that's okay-knocked it out. My hair was okay until I walked out side, there was residual warmth, thereby prompting what started out as a cute 60's wrap with a flip in the back to turn into a half blown brillo pad with wings.
But, it was still good. Then, the bus came late. That's okay, chick drove like a bat out of hell, so we made it on time to our connection. Breakfast on the bus, our routine. I pull out the breakfast bar and someone (aged 8 who will remain nameless) decided to speak perfectly clear, "I don't want that." Stops, looks at me and zips her coat up to her nose. "That's it and some capri sun, now you will eat this bar!" I whisper through gritted teeth. I wanted to tell her children in El Salvador and Africa don't have it this good. But it was beyond her anyway. Nevertheless, she ate it.
Get to school and I notice one of her teachers has a rather big butt. Like wow, you are so tiny but that ass is just wow! Tinge of jealousy as I pull up my suit like pants-even with a belt on they sag- and jump in the elevator. Someone's friends show up early and I use my magical powers to become invisi-mommy. (patent pending bitches, don't even think about it). She can stay with us, says big butt teacher, so off I go.
Outside, it was supposed to be 8:30 am but it looked like 9:45 pm. It was dark and windy and just plain scary. I'm thinking, this is how it is at night over here. Okay, maybe living on this side of town not a good idea after all. There's the bus, it's empty and I make it. Cool. WTF? Sky is darker, now it's black. A couple sits behind me and whispers ultra loud, so I move my seat behind the mohawked dude playing Tetris on his iphone or whatever. This is DC baby, we roll with the latest tech!
Get downtown and look for the address. Oh shit, epiphany and realize I need to get off the bus now. Run to the front with my brillo pad hair and saggy booty pants and the driver opens the door. Rain flies in before I can open my umbrella. Shit. Hair is now windblown brillo pad, shoes are not so sexy sparkly, more like ug. Then I notice my knee highs don't match. Play it off, I'm brown, they are brown, it's just two shades of brown.
Get to the building and Father Africa (very African, super heavy accent) booms a big "Welcome to {redacted} Building. Howl cin I hep ewe? Dood cho ave dee eye dee? Chick oht when cho leave. Yous go to the ten floor, soo-weet {redacted}." Yeah, okay but I can't get my half umbrella into one of those full umbrella bags. Shit, I look like I'm special needs or something and I just say fuck it and it slides right in.
In the interview, I have to listen to a woman complain about how her trainer worked her out so hard yesterday. (Really? All them tight clothes and spanx, I nev-ah would have guessed!) Then, I start regretting watching Star 80 last night cuz I get cozy and comfortable and sleepy then here she comes! My interviewer, in my face like a ray of sunshine and pink gums! Let's go in here.
In our awkward dance, I am sat next to the window with a very cold air paralyzing the left side of my face and giving me now a half afro. She's talking to me like wonk wonk wonk and I'm like, "I look ugly and strange to this woman, how can she keep a straight face?" I know she'll leave later and tell her friends, "Y'all see her hair? Brillo pad! I think she had a stroke, her hands were cold and the left side of her face was paralyzed!" Everything goes well, my name goes out with other folks the day after spring break ends. We shake hands, I get her card and I leave.
Then, I get the text from BB. She describes how her day is the worst day anyone could possibly experience. I'll spare you the details, but it's pretty bad. She also needs to come off that rock cuz she's a bit paranoid sometimes. I go to a magazine store to kill time when I realize the bus just went by me. Shit! Oh well, killing time, reading magazines, feeling guilty until I work my way to the back and smell pee. Christ, a homeless man is sleeping in front of all the home improvement mags that I like. No, dirty homeless dude, like go away. Did he just pee again? I heard a sound. Shit, move...step step step. Oh well, 10 minutes till the next bus, go get coffee.
There are approximately 25 people waiting for coffee in the Starfucks. "Will she be fast? I got like 5 minutes to get the bus." My better judgement told me no but my stomach was like drink something or I will make you puke outside this place. Then one machine was broken, then the bus came 30 minutes late. The temperature had dropped, I'm standing outside in the thinnest pants in the world, mismatched knee highs and brillo pad winged hair. I turn to ask the non english speaking chick behind me has a certain bus gone by and she looks terrified. She starts speaking in parsel tongue or something. Okay, I'm hideous. I look at the guy behind her, great, he's got one fucking eye. Of course, I focus on that eye and he's like, "Yup you missed it by 10 minutes." Shit shit shit!! Okay, stop looking at his eye. Non english speaking lady keeps talking to me. Christ woman, where are you from, I get it, you want to help the poor looking degenerate but you can't speak enough english to string together the simplest of sentences-only boos? boos kahm yah. I swear, that's what it sounded like.
I am shaking, freezing, rain is coming down and then my umbrella decides it's inside out day. Laugh at me car people, one day you will be me and I will be you and not offer you a ride. Laugh in your warm cars. I got so desperate that every bus that wasn't mine that came by, I stood by the fucking exhaust to warm up.
My life is sad at this point.
Behold! A unicorn! It's coming, my bus! I get on and say to the bus driver, "Thank you Mr. Unicorn" but it comes out as snot, a sniffle and then an old person farting. He knew what I said cuz he lurched forward and I flew straight to the back of the bus, executing the most perfect leap while looking like an ass at the same time! If only I didn't read her email, shit.
Me and BB talk on the bus. Blah blah blah, you're paranoid. Blah blah AC you are right. Blah blah, here's my stop, I'm getting off. Get home, can't find keys, go inside. I want to take a nap but spend time talking to my sister about who in the hell is Demi Lovato and is Disney making robot children. Okay, nap time. Cool. I'll just...
I'm hungier than a motherfucker...I'll go to the carryout, now that I'm at room temperature. I want chicken fingers and french fries cooked hard. "You WANH BROW FRY?" I just look at this man. "Cook the fries hard." He reiterates, "BROW FRY?" Um yeah. "YOU DRINK?" (An aside, why do most asians think americans are deaf? This dude was yelling at me like I had 8 ears and 16 hearing aids). "I'll have a mix, little ice." Don't repeat it back, please. "YOU WAH MEEX WIH ICE? YEAH? MEEX ICE?" Oh Jesus dude, yes. I swear he turned to the cook and said, in whatever language it was, "Spit in her food."
I make it back. Talk to BB. Now, she's off the phone, I'm gonna watch some tv, get a quick nap, wait for my ride to take me to get S and be done with it. My ride calls-he has a meeting with someone important who calls for meetings but never plans accordingly. I'm gonna have to dump you. Shit. It's okay, Zipcar + nap + tv + food =happy.
Direct TV can rot in hell. There is no picture nor sound, just a bouncing fucking logo. So, I call and proceed to curse everyone out~as my nap is now ruined. I turn on the tv in the living room (with the alleged broke reciever) and right as I get knee deep in dude's ass, the sound pops in with the picture so loud that even he knew it was Bonanza. "Is that the tv in the bedroom? Since your tv in the living room has the broken receiver?" I know you know asshole, gotta play it off, "I need you to escalate this call dude, like now." Run to the bedroom, okay no picture, no problem. No sound. Escalation gets on, "Hi I'm a random happy dude having the greatest day ever and I'm probably getting a blow job as we speak, how can I help you?" My cable is out. "Fan-tas-tic. Let's get this solved for you, I see you are a long time customer, I love you for that, so I'm going to really work hard at making you happy." Whatever. Then, I am asked to go outside, check the sky for clouds when the mailman bangs on the door, "PACKAGE!" He leaves. I run downstairs, oh look, I get my new Vanity Fair. (reading that makes me look smart.) Not a cloud in the sky, I tell Direct TV Blowjob. Run inside and promptly fall face down on the stairs. Did I just cut one? No, I'm safe, it was the plastic sliding beneath me. Back inside, cable on, cable off.
I feel like the Karate Kid, wax on, wax off.
"Now that I've totally rocked your world, is there anything else I can do for you today? No, great awesome, thanks for calling and you are a rockstar." not his exact words, but close enough.
Nap time is now close to being fucked. Well, I'll just download some songs and make a mix cd. What's this now? Great a trojan virus is on my computer. Jesus H Crackers. Me and BB spend the next hour downloading all kinds of shit to beat it. (Trojan assassinated at 800 pm tonight). I ordered a pizza, went to sit on the couch and the next thing, my neighbor is banging on my door. Thank God I put my mammy scarf on, trying to compose myself and pretend that's not drool on my face, I open the door, "Yes?"
"Pizza's here for you." Oh shit. I fell asleep. I thank him then try to find a pen, then he bizarringly turns into my dad, "Are you coming down or what?" Yeah, I gotta find a pen man, jeez.
Tired old man from the Depression era hands me my pizza. "Where duh chicken I ord-ah?" He goes, "What chicken, dis here it." He points to the label and in all my idiotness I forgot to add the chicken on. Yet S is screeeching at the top of the stairs, "PIZZA PIZZA PIZZAPIZZAPIZZAILOVEYOUMOMPIZZAISMYFAVORITEFOOD!"
I can't even eat. She eats 3 pieces, watches the backyardigans, we do some word reviews, take pics in new clothes and she goes to bed. I'm still studying psychology.
And I have phantom toothpain. Where there is no tooth, there is pain. Yes, it hurts like a bitch. But I always miss with the orajel and my mouth becomes a blue numbness. Then, I try to drink something and look extra special as water dribbles down my face and I think, "This is how I will be when I get old."
Song of the day-"Driven to Tears" by Sting. Yeah, that's my whole day in a nutshell.
But, it was still good. Then, the bus came late. That's okay, chick drove like a bat out of hell, so we made it on time to our connection. Breakfast on the bus, our routine. I pull out the breakfast bar and someone (aged 8 who will remain nameless) decided to speak perfectly clear, "I don't want that." Stops, looks at me and zips her coat up to her nose. "That's it and some capri sun, now you will eat this bar!" I whisper through gritted teeth. I wanted to tell her children in El Salvador and Africa don't have it this good. But it was beyond her anyway. Nevertheless, she ate it.
Get to school and I notice one of her teachers has a rather big butt. Like wow, you are so tiny but that ass is just wow! Tinge of jealousy as I pull up my suit like pants-even with a belt on they sag- and jump in the elevator. Someone's friends show up early and I use my magical powers to become invisi-mommy. (patent pending bitches, don't even think about it). She can stay with us, says big butt teacher, so off I go.
Outside, it was supposed to be 8:30 am but it looked like 9:45 pm. It was dark and windy and just plain scary. I'm thinking, this is how it is at night over here. Okay, maybe living on this side of town not a good idea after all. There's the bus, it's empty and I make it. Cool. WTF? Sky is darker, now it's black. A couple sits behind me and whispers ultra loud, so I move my seat behind the mohawked dude playing Tetris on his iphone or whatever. This is DC baby, we roll with the latest tech!
Get downtown and look for the address. Oh shit, epiphany and realize I need to get off the bus now. Run to the front with my brillo pad hair and saggy booty pants and the driver opens the door. Rain flies in before I can open my umbrella. Shit. Hair is now windblown brillo pad, shoes are not so sexy sparkly, more like ug. Then I notice my knee highs don't match. Play it off, I'm brown, they are brown, it's just two shades of brown.
Get to the building and Father Africa (very African, super heavy accent) booms a big "Welcome to {redacted} Building. Howl cin I hep ewe? Dood cho ave dee eye dee? Chick oht when cho leave. Yous go to the ten floor, soo-weet {redacted}." Yeah, okay but I can't get my half umbrella into one of those full umbrella bags. Shit, I look like I'm special needs or something and I just say fuck it and it slides right in.
In the interview, I have to listen to a woman complain about how her trainer worked her out so hard yesterday. (Really? All them tight clothes and spanx, I nev-ah would have guessed!) Then, I start regretting watching Star 80 last night cuz I get cozy and comfortable and sleepy then here she comes! My interviewer, in my face like a ray of sunshine and pink gums! Let's go in here.
In our awkward dance, I am sat next to the window with a very cold air paralyzing the left side of my face and giving me now a half afro. She's talking to me like wonk wonk wonk and I'm like, "I look ugly and strange to this woman, how can she keep a straight face?" I know she'll leave later and tell her friends, "Y'all see her hair? Brillo pad! I think she had a stroke, her hands were cold and the left side of her face was paralyzed!" Everything goes well, my name goes out with other folks the day after spring break ends. We shake hands, I get her card and I leave.
Then, I get the text from BB. She describes how her day is the worst day anyone could possibly experience. I'll spare you the details, but it's pretty bad. She also needs to come off that rock cuz she's a bit paranoid sometimes. I go to a magazine store to kill time when I realize the bus just went by me. Shit! Oh well, killing time, reading magazines, feeling guilty until I work my way to the back and smell pee. Christ, a homeless man is sleeping in front of all the home improvement mags that I like. No, dirty homeless dude, like go away. Did he just pee again? I heard a sound. Shit, move...step step step. Oh well, 10 minutes till the next bus, go get coffee.
There are approximately 25 people waiting for coffee in the Starfucks. "Will she be fast? I got like 5 minutes to get the bus." My better judgement told me no but my stomach was like drink something or I will make you puke outside this place. Then one machine was broken, then the bus came 30 minutes late. The temperature had dropped, I'm standing outside in the thinnest pants in the world, mismatched knee highs and brillo pad winged hair. I turn to ask the non english speaking chick behind me has a certain bus gone by and she looks terrified. She starts speaking in parsel tongue or something. Okay, I'm hideous. I look at the guy behind her, great, he's got one fucking eye. Of course, I focus on that eye and he's like, "Yup you missed it by 10 minutes." Shit shit shit!! Okay, stop looking at his eye. Non english speaking lady keeps talking to me. Christ woman, where are you from, I get it, you want to help the poor looking degenerate but you can't speak enough english to string together the simplest of sentences-only boos? boos kahm yah. I swear, that's what it sounded like.
I am shaking, freezing, rain is coming down and then my umbrella decides it's inside out day. Laugh at me car people, one day you will be me and I will be you and not offer you a ride. Laugh in your warm cars. I got so desperate that every bus that wasn't mine that came by, I stood by the fucking exhaust to warm up.
My life is sad at this point.
Behold! A unicorn! It's coming, my bus! I get on and say to the bus driver, "Thank you Mr. Unicorn" but it comes out as snot, a sniffle and then an old person farting. He knew what I said cuz he lurched forward and I flew straight to the back of the bus, executing the most perfect leap while looking like an ass at the same time! If only I didn't read her email, shit.
Me and BB talk on the bus. Blah blah blah, you're paranoid. Blah blah AC you are right. Blah blah, here's my stop, I'm getting off. Get home, can't find keys, go inside. I want to take a nap but spend time talking to my sister about who in the hell is Demi Lovato and is Disney making robot children. Okay, nap time. Cool. I'll just...
I'm hungier than a motherfucker...I'll go to the carryout, now that I'm at room temperature. I want chicken fingers and french fries cooked hard. "You WANH BROW FRY?" I just look at this man. "Cook the fries hard." He reiterates, "BROW FRY?" Um yeah. "YOU DRINK?" (An aside, why do most asians think americans are deaf? This dude was yelling at me like I had 8 ears and 16 hearing aids). "I'll have a mix, little ice." Don't repeat it back, please. "YOU WAH MEEX WIH ICE? YEAH? MEEX ICE?" Oh Jesus dude, yes. I swear he turned to the cook and said, in whatever language it was, "Spit in her food."
I make it back. Talk to BB. Now, she's off the phone, I'm gonna watch some tv, get a quick nap, wait for my ride to take me to get S and be done with it. My ride calls-he has a meeting with someone important who calls for meetings but never plans accordingly. I'm gonna have to dump you. Shit. It's okay, Zipcar + nap + tv + food =happy.
Direct TV can rot in hell. There is no picture nor sound, just a bouncing fucking logo. So, I call and proceed to curse everyone out~as my nap is now ruined. I turn on the tv in the living room (with the alleged broke reciever) and right as I get knee deep in dude's ass, the sound pops in with the picture so loud that even he knew it was Bonanza. "Is that the tv in the bedroom? Since your tv in the living room has the broken receiver?" I know you know asshole, gotta play it off, "I need you to escalate this call dude, like now." Run to the bedroom, okay no picture, no problem. No sound. Escalation gets on, "Hi I'm a random happy dude having the greatest day ever and I'm probably getting a blow job as we speak, how can I help you?" My cable is out. "Fan-tas-tic. Let's get this solved for you, I see you are a long time customer, I love you for that, so I'm going to really work hard at making you happy." Whatever. Then, I am asked to go outside, check the sky for clouds when the mailman bangs on the door, "PACKAGE!" He leaves. I run downstairs, oh look, I get my new Vanity Fair. (reading that makes me look smart.) Not a cloud in the sky, I tell Direct TV Blowjob. Run inside and promptly fall face down on the stairs. Did I just cut one? No, I'm safe, it was the plastic sliding beneath me. Back inside, cable on, cable off.
I feel like the Karate Kid, wax on, wax off.
"Now that I've totally rocked your world, is there anything else I can do for you today? No, great awesome, thanks for calling and you are a rockstar." not his exact words, but close enough.
Nap time is now close to being fucked. Well, I'll just download some songs and make a mix cd. What's this now? Great a trojan virus is on my computer. Jesus H Crackers. Me and BB spend the next hour downloading all kinds of shit to beat it. (Trojan assassinated at 800 pm tonight). I ordered a pizza, went to sit on the couch and the next thing, my neighbor is banging on my door. Thank God I put my mammy scarf on, trying to compose myself and pretend that's not drool on my face, I open the door, "Yes?"
"Pizza's here for you." Oh shit. I fell asleep. I thank him then try to find a pen, then he bizarringly turns into my dad, "Are you coming down or what?" Yeah, I gotta find a pen man, jeez.
Tired old man from the Depression era hands me my pizza. "Where duh chicken I ord-ah?" He goes, "What chicken, dis here it." He points to the label and in all my idiotness I forgot to add the chicken on. Yet S is screeeching at the top of the stairs, "PIZZA PIZZA PIZZAPIZZAPIZZAILOVEYOUMOMPIZZAISMYFAVORITEFOOD!"
I can't even eat. She eats 3 pieces, watches the backyardigans, we do some word reviews, take pics in new clothes and she goes to bed. I'm still studying psychology.
And I have phantom toothpain. Where there is no tooth, there is pain. Yes, it hurts like a bitch. But I always miss with the orajel and my mouth becomes a blue numbness. Then, I try to drink something and look extra special as water dribbles down my face and I think, "This is how I will be when I get old."
Song of the day-"Driven to Tears" by Sting. Yeah, that's my whole day in a nutshell.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Starship Date April 4
Well, here I am again being my own worst enemy.
I have to get ready to pick up my little one and I'm always worried about something. My filling fell out my tooth, so I put some fake filling in and that fell out (thanks wandering tongue).
Quick update about me-during the week of March 21, I lost my job. I was fired. I went to see my therapist, who did not make me feel any better. (It must be humiliating...downward cast eyes of sadness. I'm like damn, it wasn't that bad!) Now she needs for me to come back to see her again. But the thing is I was just going to this job to collect a check. That's it. I wasn't a fan of the people, nor the ever changing procedures or anything. It was killing my daughter-strange hours, waking early, arriving home late. She was not a happy unit. So, in the end, it worked out for the better. I could not see myself at this job for a long time anyway. You know how you visualize what you are doing, like working? It was like blackness clouded my future with this job. I was let go, didn't say good bye to anyone and forced to take with me all the secrets I was told. Watch your teachers folks, half of them smoke weed and bring it to work. Many times they are fighting each other and having disputes with the heads or whomever. Better not give up too much information.
Now, I'm at home, allegedly working on my psychology final. But, I decided, at the urging of someone else, to write this blog. You're welcome. Oh she knows who she is.
Anywho, in about 30 minutes, I'm stepping out to get my baby. She had been pretty sick and was out all last week. She goes back to school today, looking extra springy, and everybody was giving me the side eye saying how much they missed her. I'm like it's not my fault you people have diseases from the 1800's floating around the school! Jesus!
Must remember to take some semblance of snack.
Had first interview today at temp agency number 1. They called me 2-3 hours later with a job offer, but it was way far out and the chick needs to call me back about the hours. Looks like we may be doing the 730 arrival time again, as it is located outside of the District in a suburb that's on a metro that continually breaks down. She hasn't called back yet, but I have another interview with another agency tomorrow, so let's see how this plays out.
I need the money. I won't make rent next month, unless unemployment kicks in. I have until April 19th to get a call or something from them and they best hurry tha hell up. Sista is broke! That's $700 of my hard earned bucks that were set aside for such an event.
Now the pain comes. My tooth needs for you to listen. Tomorrow's plans are to interview with temp agency 2, head over to court and contemplate some stuff, then head home and work more on my final psych project.
I love psychology so much, I'd switch my major, but it's just been so overwhelming. I mean I did have a nervous breakdown right after my birthday, but didn't share with anyone. So now, the entire webverse knows. Yup, that's what happened.
Siging off.
I have to get ready to pick up my little one and I'm always worried about something. My filling fell out my tooth, so I put some fake filling in and that fell out (thanks wandering tongue).
Quick update about me-during the week of March 21, I lost my job. I was fired. I went to see my therapist, who did not make me feel any better. (It must be humiliating...downward cast eyes of sadness. I'm like damn, it wasn't that bad!) Now she needs for me to come back to see her again. But the thing is I was just going to this job to collect a check. That's it. I wasn't a fan of the people, nor the ever changing procedures or anything. It was killing my daughter-strange hours, waking early, arriving home late. She was not a happy unit. So, in the end, it worked out for the better. I could not see myself at this job for a long time anyway. You know how you visualize what you are doing, like working? It was like blackness clouded my future with this job. I was let go, didn't say good bye to anyone and forced to take with me all the secrets I was told. Watch your teachers folks, half of them smoke weed and bring it to work. Many times they are fighting each other and having disputes with the heads or whomever. Better not give up too much information.
Now, I'm at home, allegedly working on my psychology final. But, I decided, at the urging of someone else, to write this blog. You're welcome. Oh she knows who she is.
Anywho, in about 30 minutes, I'm stepping out to get my baby. She had been pretty sick and was out all last week. She goes back to school today, looking extra springy, and everybody was giving me the side eye saying how much they missed her. I'm like it's not my fault you people have diseases from the 1800's floating around the school! Jesus!
Must remember to take some semblance of snack.
Had first interview today at temp agency number 1. They called me 2-3 hours later with a job offer, but it was way far out and the chick needs to call me back about the hours. Looks like we may be doing the 730 arrival time again, as it is located outside of the District in a suburb that's on a metro that continually breaks down. She hasn't called back yet, but I have another interview with another agency tomorrow, so let's see how this plays out.
I need the money. I won't make rent next month, unless unemployment kicks in. I have until April 19th to get a call or something from them and they best hurry tha hell up. Sista is broke! That's $700 of my hard earned bucks that were set aside for such an event.
Now the pain comes. My tooth needs for you to listen. Tomorrow's plans are to interview with temp agency 2, head over to court and contemplate some stuff, then head home and work more on my final psych project.
I love psychology so much, I'd switch my major, but it's just been so overwhelming. I mean I did have a nervous breakdown right after my birthday, but didn't share with anyone. So now, the entire webverse knows. Yup, that's what happened.
Siging off.
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