Feeling Inspired

It only happens a few times a year that I feel this creative energy rushing through me and I'm all giddy and inspired and shit.  I mean I got the new Zero 7 album from my sister and am listening to that very loud- I mean no harm, no foul, right? My neighbors get up with their one year old at 8 am on Sunday and decide to practice marching and talking loud up and down the hallway, the people beneath me decide to start hammering at 945 am when me and mine are trying to get sleep-so hell yeah-blast some Zero 7!!!

I was checking and updating my job postings when I stumbled across my super duper almost dream job-a librarian.  I applied for a librarian job before and it got down to me and someone else.  I always got the feeling if I got that job at Georgetown on the cusp of electronic media coming out (and I would have had a mac), my life would have been fantastic.  But we cannot meditate and live in the past can we?

So, today, I've got to put all my energy towards applying for this job.  Am I a nanny to two kids right now? Yeah, but I have to apply for jobs to get my unemployment, so I just keep pushing forward. If I get it, then what?  Cross that bridge later.

And to think, I haven't even taken my meds today....

Oh and can I just say how I love the month of October?! I love fall all the way up to Thanksgiving, then it's mondo depression until January.  I hate Thanksgiving, I hate Christmas like you don't even know.  But October to me is like the sound of rustling leaves, the smell of fresh leaves being raked in a pile, the shining of sun through a crumbling building that may have spirits walking the halls.  Man, I love all that shit.  It's like my creative stream just rushes from my fingers faster than I can hold on to it.  How do you formulate a story and write down plans when you feel like your brain is on speed and everyone is moving so slow around you?

Cheers to you and yours...I'm taking care of me and mines.

Using the Force

I talked to my father this weekend.  He determined that the glue that held our family together died.  My grandmother.  And that got me thinking-glue? Was she the glue or was she the crazy glue?  She was the glue because she came up from nothing and worked so hard to get something, only to die in the arms of her son.
 
I was thinking okay.  She lived, died and accomplished much.  She helped me get over my lisp and we all had good times.  But then, I got to thinking-what am I doing right now to make myself a better person.  Or how am I using the Force within me?  What do I want to be?

I guess this started off as one thing and became a diatribe on how I can improve myself.  The question is am I doing as much as I could be doing to get myself together or am I just drifting by?  I think I'm  just drifting by aimlessly, hoping to die and start all over again.  BUT...BUT what if I decided to change so radically that it even alarmed me?!  What if I turned my life and credit around so fast and to be so good that people would look at me like, "Whoa, if she could do it, I can too!"

The question is do I want to and how do I go about doing it?  I guess I'll have to start at my most basic self and that would be the religious base.  Working my way up to the physical and mental.  Stop dating losers or giving losers a chance and just actualizing on myself to show my kid that she can also be all that she wants to be or all that she can put her little mind to?

I went to see the Solar Decathalon today and it was interesting.  Took lots of pictures, was kinda inspired but I guess I just need to think a bit more before I post again.

I do miss my grandma though.  Sometimes, I really wish she was here and remembering things we did in the past as opposed to not.

Really Zoe Saldana....I Mean Really?

After a lusty night of True Blood (praise God for cable and naked men-since I'm not getting any.  And thank you Lord for TIVO that allows me to rewind, slow mo and pretend insert my name into sexy actors mouths...) and reading a really good book that is scaring the bejesus out of me, I just have to say, I keep seeing this crapfest called Columbiana with Zoe Saldana.

Now, let me just give you a little history.  Ms. Saldana is Dominicana.  So, uh, yeah, she's playing a Columbiana out for revenge on some bad guys that killed her family.  Expect to see her scrawny ass walking around in a bra and panties, hair flying, bad ass tattoos and watch her carry guns that have enough recoil to break her bony little arms.  But I digress from my bitchiness..

What we are talking about here is the Columbians.  A few years ago, hell maybe last year, I read an article in the Washington Post about Black Columbians.  Oh, you didn't know they existed?  Hell, nobody does, why? Because they are what I refer to as "the hidden people".  It's like well we don't want to see them, so let's put them in shanty town, shitty little houses and make like they don't exist. Eventually, we will kill them off or breed them with enough lighter skinned Columbians they will assimilate.  So, my question is how is this chick gonna play a Columbiana when the country won't acknowledge their existence, nor help them?  Why couldn't it be called "Bad Ass Dominicana".  It's like me playing a Brazilian. Yeah, I got the accent down and stuff, and I could probably pass, but would I really want to do it?

What a messed up world we live in where crap like this is produced.  And I'm sure at one point these words will come out of her mouth, "It was a cathartic experience because I got to embrace my Dominican heritage, while learning about Columbian heritage as well."  Another thing, why is her dad in the previews light skinned?  I mean, who am I to say with my Heinz 57 background?  My nieces and nephews run all kinds of rainbow coalition colors and my kids are all biracial, so I'm just completing the circle of life.  But I will tell you this, if they ask me about themselves, I would tell them to be proud of who they are and not to pretend to be who they want or what is accepted.

Keep Getting Knocked Down

Did you ever have a day or a week in which you feel like you just keep getting knocked down and it's like I can not get back up. Each time I stand, it feels like someone is pushing me down. So, you figure, I should just stay down.  That has been my life since March.  Since I turned 40, my life has been a crap shoot.  Illustrated with the following craptastic events:

1. I get hired for a job and fired before I even begin.  I spent a day there, taking notes at a meeting and they call me and tell me never come back.  No explanation, no excuse, no letter (like they promised) just zilch.
2. I actually had to ask an organization to pay my rent for two (now maybe 3 months) because my unemployment won't cover it.
3. I worked with a temp agency and I had to leave the assignment because of a death in the family.  Now I don't even want to get in touch with them to see if they want me back because they lost a big contract.
4. I am on more drugs now than I ever was in my life.  It's like I just don't even care, but I take them and I still get sick after being told I wouldn't.

So, what's a girl to do-aside from sitting on the floor and watching episode after episode of Snapped or the History International Channel?

1. I signed up with a new temp agency that promises to get me more than what I was making before, which is awesome!
2. I signed up for a new job locator service that delivers results to my inbox daily. I can save them and go back and apply for jobs.
3. I think I have a pretty good support network that I need to use a bit more.
4. I have some networks I haven't tapped into yet.

It's like this, I need to help myself more, instead of just sitting around waiting.  It's hard because I like summer, I being home with little one and just chilling.  I just need to recognize that I need to be a bit more proactive.

I will just end this brief synopsis with this:

"I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down.."

The Movie Post

Feeling a bit nostalgic and having a slight bit of time on my hands this next few months to wring necks, kick ass and work with my daughter, I have decided to post my 10 movies in 2 categories.

Movies I found myself liking (that I thought I would hate)

1. Nine (oooh Daniel Day Lewis is sexy, but I downloaded the Kate Hudson song.  Shut up!)
2. 500 Days of Summer (I would be Fall or any other synonym for sexy.  I would never hurt him.)
3. Eat, Pray, Love (what can I say? I hate Julia Roberts but half way decent message)
4. Inglorious Basterds (something about the Bear beating in a Nazi's brain is exciting)
5. Avatar (I had to be really high to dig this one.  But I wasn't or I'll never tell)
6. Karate Kid (cocky little Jaden had me crying when he was doing karate with drunken Jackie Chan)
7. 2012 (a pornography of explosions)
8. Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (too much hype turned me away, Noomi Rapace turned me on)
9. Vicky Cristina Barcelona (Scarlett, Javier and Penelope being crazy again and a 3 way...huh?)
10. The Hangover (see the too much hype turning me away and Zach 'Man Child' Galfi-whatever)

Runners up-The Long Kiss Goodnight, Lady Vengence, Iron Man

10 Movies I wanted to Like that Sucked (not like a little but total ASS)

1. Transformers (all of them, right down to the stereotypes)
2. Repo Men (pseudo Blade Runner, even sexy Jude Law couldn't save this Old Boy rip off mess)
3. Incredible Hulk (I need to smoke crack if I ever want to watch this again.)
4. Wolverine/Xmen Franchise (Halle Berry was too short, Hugh Jackman was too tall.  Screwed up)
5. Fantastic Four (bad british actors and Jessica Alba.  What else is there to hate?)
6. ALL THE STAR WARS PREQUELS (Hayden=wood, dialogue=terrible)
7. The Fall (at least it was pretty to watch, see transformers-stereotypes...ugh)
8. Any American Remake of a Foreign Film (lazy bastards can't read subtitles-Gag me, okay?)
9. The Last Airbender (I could rant about this tripe all night, but why did they call him Ung?)
10. Superman Returns (Kate whatever, is a twig. This was just so wrong it could steer back to right)

Runners up- Salt (phoned in acting okay?), Takers (wtf? explain it all to me, real slow), Skyline (sweet baby jesus, this sucked so bad I wanted to call Eric Balfour and ask him why, poor man's Adrian Brody, why would you agree to this?  You look like some kind of Egyptian Sphinx, shave that shit off your face.)

Now, for your enjoyment (and special dedication to baby sis) The Lonely Island:

Eat, Pray or things I Never Thought I'd Learn from a White Chick

I woke up with a terrible headache that started at some point yesterday.  I think it was after I paid $25 for some tickets to a movie for me and my daughter.  I was like jesus, it was actually less for us to eat lunch afterwards-but we enjoyed the movie and ate out and went to the library but I couldn't shake this headache. Figuring it would go away on its own, I didn't take anything and it just was still there after a few hours.  Wrote in my journal, watched some tv and went to bed at about 2 am-ish.

Then, I had the nightmare.  I could not find someone.  I only had an old address, so I had to go to this church and post these documents everywhere.  My head was hurting and my soul was hurting.  You see, this person is now a priest but he is denying me access to the one thing in my life that would complete my happiness-my other kids.  It doesn't take rocket science to figure out that it's my ex husband.  So, as I'm leaving the church, after posting the most embarrassing flyers about him all over the place, he appears.  But he manifests himself into another person that has hurt me in my life.  This person molested me and when he looked at me, he had the voice and appearance of the molester and said, "You just need to stop, this is fruitless, you are only hurting yourself."  I was so angry with him-with the both of them-and I started yelling and my head started pounding so hard and it felt like it was pounding so loud that I couldn't hear.  It was like the scene in my dream, on that street was wavy and this person was talking to me and I was yelling so loud that the words didn't make sense.  Then, I took control of the dream and made my ex boyfriend appear with his gangbanger friends drive up and kidnap and kill him.  But this is just another manifestation of the anger that I can't let go.

Yes, I realized that even at 40, I can't let go of the anger that I've held on to these people so long that it inhibits me from doing me what I want to get done.  Better yet, what I need to get done.  I am so angry that I want to hurt him, but I only end up hurting myself.  I don't do what I need to do, I don't pay what I need to pay because I figure if I ignore it, then it will go away.  The only thing is that I end up hurting myself and stressing myself out more than him and I'm sure he doesn't even care.  He only doesn't want me to see, touch, feel, smell nor have contact with my kids-the only thing he has over me that can hurt me.

Thus, if I am more pro active and do what needs to be done, then I am not as stressed.  It turns out the people that I need to help me don't want to help me because I have fucked up so bad.  The ones that want to help me don't understand why I keep fucking up and want me to recognize and get better.  These are the ones that push me and get frustrated with me and want to shake me until I get some sense in me.

Being proactive would help to relieve my stress-stop grinding my teeth, stop acting against myself and make me accept things that I can change.  I would not be afraid of needles in my mouth yet I don't have a problem with putting needles on my skin.  Something that last a lifetime that is outside is just as worthy as something that helps me eat and enjoy the sweetness of inside.

My friends and family love me and want the best for me.  Everyone walks around on eggshells because they are afraid to hurt me.  My friends are stronger and push me harder because they can see that person inside me that I once was, the person that I am fighting so hard to suppress and push down so I can let the eternal sadness of depression sweep over me.  I miss that other person.  I miss her.  I miss when she would take her kids down to the Mall and hangout and have picnics or just live freely and walk down the street smiling for no reason whatsoever.  Now I have morphed into a hermit of sorts that has given up on herself to the point of daily visualizing my feet dangling above an overturned chair.

The only thing in my way is me.  And I learned this by watching Eat, Pray, Love and getting over my hatred of Julia Roberts.  Some folks wrote this movie off as fluff, then there are some women that went out and had the "experience" of Eat, Pray, Love.  Now I understand why when my sister broke up with her ex, she wouldn't let him win.  It was a hard break up, but she told me that she would dress up for herself.  Not for anyone else, but for herself because she wanted to feel pretty.  My other sister changes herself whenever she has a life changing event and made me realize that it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks of you on the outside, it's what you think of you and once you accept that change, then to hell with the world.

Embrace yourself and to hell with everyone else.  All the pieces will fall into place.  I would like to pass this off to my children-and I will see them again, even if I have to invoke their names everyday so that somewhere in the karmic universe they will feel the love coming from their mom who is less than 400 miles away.

I'll tell you this-when I find the person I was, the whole world better just get out of the way because she's coming back roaring like a lion and all hell will break lose.

Insert Witty Retort Here

I have a headache.  I'm still having allergy problems, but they are finally going away.  I like this feeling I have right now, a little bit...it's a feeling of accomplishment.  See there was a lot of shit I was supposed to do and a lot of shit I didn't do or was gonna do.  Finally, I just did it and it wasn't that bad.

So, I went to the clinic today to register for benefits to cover my slowly rotting corpse.  Painless, got it done in about an hour and a half, as  opposed to going to the welfare office, which I would still be in there.

I feel like working on my paper tonight but I know I probably didn't pass this class, but you can't say I didn't try.  After tonight, I'm free, for a bit.  Speaking of schooling, I found out that when I applied for a scholarship last year, I apparently got it.  It's worth $9,000.  Yeah.  So now I can have my teaching transcripts evaluated and move forward from there.

Working with the kid hasn't been bad.  She's been hungry to learn.  I just feel bad I may have to cut our week short a bit on Wednesday. Her dad went into the hospital today. He has severe allergies. I only have light to moderate allergies.  Though my head has been fucked for a few days now, and last night I didn't get to bed until about 2 am because of either toothache or allergy pain.  I noticed I was able to sleep when I took the little red pill.  (the nasal decongestant not the matrix).

My laptop keeps coming offline and I have to put it back online whenever I use it outside of the house.  Now I know how to do that, so that makes me feel good.

My abusive ex kept calling me from his home country and finally I just told him to stop calling me for good.  Like don't call me ever.  Satisfaction.  Mmmmm...you can taste it.

I wanted to make some brownies, but that may not be a a good idea and I don't have the stupid brownie cups but they would have been good.  I'm gonna steam some broccoli, make some mac n cheese and the steaks are out of the oven.  I sure could use some candied yams though.

Tomorrow, getting my taxes so I can get my grubby little hands on this money and taking care of another out of state issue. 

Mama happy.

this is a funny picture of the kid hitting dad in the face-but they both look scared shitless.  It makes me laugh.