The Tom Hiddleston Problem

So, I had this other blog where I was posing as "legit writer".  I semi enjoyed it.  I mean, as a writer, I am more visual but sometimes you just need to drop an anonymous vent.  That's why I am back.

Lots of things have changed and I will try to post more  so I'm not so internally uptight and in desperate need of a dildo or something.  The other something could be Tom Hiddleston, but let me back up.

Updates-I got the job at the library and it will be 5 years in May.  I have no intention of quitting.  It's a bit irregular sometimes, but for awhile, my branch was the party branch.  Give us half a reason and we will have a party for anything.

But I digress...

Last year, Tom Hiddleston dated Taylor Swift.  I mean, I cannot relate to her at all.  Like zilch.  She falls under my category, "Rich Girls that are Perky and White that I cannot Relate to".  My number one is Kate Hudson, but Taytay is rolling right up there with number two.  I mean, I have sincerely tried so hard.  I can't make it through a Kate Hudson movie.  I have a teenager (my third and last) and she likes Taytay.  I like watching her videos but I think they are like dating services.  Like, "Scott Eastwood is so ruggedly handsome, I need that type in my video.  Oh, and let's go to the forbidden lands of Africa to shoot this shit."

Whatever, Tay.

So, old boy Tom went out with her after she kinda got a boob job that she never acknowledged.  We all saw.  It's like you went from -A cup to C cup.  And there are not enough push ups or whatevers that can make your itty bitties that big.  No way in the name of Jesus and Salma Hayek sprinkling holy water on them dogs.  Nah, son.

I don't know if this makes him a dog or what.  He's always been one to be one of those undercover lover kinda dudes.  Either way, you never knew who he was dating or even if he was gay.  He was seen out and about with all types.  When they hooked up, I was like, "Huh, how about that."

I tried to get all mad at my boo.  No, Tom, you are such a British gentleman and a nerd, you can't join the cheerleaders!  I need you at the table where we discuss Shakespeare's genius!  We bring packed salads for lunch and eat outside on blankets-when our allergies aren't killing us.  We are all asexual beings but no, you left us for the cool kids club.

And that's when I realized it.  It wasn't Tom Hiddleston I liked, it was the roles he played in the movies.  Elaborations are necessary:  In "Only Lovers Left Alive", he slinked around and sucked on blood popsicles.  He made love to Tilda (my secret lady crush) and slept naked, holding her so protectively.  God, I thought my girl parts were in flames.  Then, he was a vampire.

Oh Lord, that just knocked my shit over.  And he danced.  and he had rhythm.  I just...I watched that movie so many times just to watch him slink around on screen all sexy.  I was ready to go to Morocco and offer myself to him in an alley, like, "Just take me and do whatever you need."

Can you not see yourself being this popsicle right now?

Okay, that's enough to set mommy on fire, but no...there's more:

Did you need something from the store or you just want me to stand here while you think?

I feel like Austin Powers-"Yeah, baby! Let's get randy!!"  Or whatever he says.  Either way, he is particularly delicious as Loki.  Oh yeah, just yummy because he's so baaad.  I doesn't even matter what he's doing.  As long as he is Loki and being all extra evil and shit, I'm like (eyes rolling back in my head, body vibrating) "Dude, take me!"

Allow me to elaborate:

"Shall we fuck on the rocks or in the garden?"

You get the gist.  So, now, I've got my grown woman on and I'm like, "Hey, Tom, bro, it's all good.  Go on and date whoever you feel the need to date.  Just keep being those sexy bad guys and showing your ass and stuff and I'm cool.  I mean 'Crimson Peak' just had me on the edge of my seat, slipping off, needing an extra pair of underwear."  This seems to happen a lot.  I guess when you don't get laid on the yearly cycle, you are extra horny.

But then when you do get a minute man to come do the job and he's like, "How was it?"  and you sneeze and say, "Dude, you done?"  That's a world of no.

In conclusion, I will always love you Tom (but not for Bond, you seem a bit fey for that.  Too skinny.  I'm a Connery girl.) and you can date whomever.  Just remember the chicks that fund your career and keep taking those parts where you are all extra evil and delicious.  Talk to Fassy, he can give you some tips, I'm sure.

Just bite me already, damn.

No bueno

It's been a year, but not a year of purposeful neglect, just a year of wandering around in my mind in a perpetual funk.  Today was a shitty day, but for no good reason.  I mean I worked yesterday.  When I work on Saturdays, my Sundays become my lazy day Saturdays and then I do dumb shit and get depressed: like look up people I used to know and realize life is just flying around me and I'm stagnating.  It sucks.  I have 8 classes, then I have a Bachelor's degree in English.  I want to finish, but ran out of money.  I write short stories, there's a small child in me that really wants to finish and send it off to my editor, but alas, the bigger kid is the bully and nothing gets done. 

I had a headache today.  I think it's caffiene withdrawl.  So, I made coffee and that wasn't it.  Started eating some chicken I fried, yummy, headache starts to subside.  ooh la la..stopped eating headache is back.  I just don't know how them skinny chicks do it.  I mean I love food and don't want to get fat but this shit is ridiculous.

Okay, time to eat.  Maybe I'll get motivated but outside of writing, today was a no bueno day.  I watched two episodes of Criminal Minds, I watched Cowboys and Aliens (you ever watch a movie and think, "What in the holy hell was that?"  yeah, glad I did not buy this one), I watched Mulan II (or rather she did, I slept.) then, I watched "The Amazing Spiderman" with giraffe neck Andrew Garfield.  Man, that felt like a three day epic.  Nay, it felt like watching all the Lord of the Rings back to back to back.  I thought it was four hours.  That's how it felt.  Now, I know why it's on sale.

Having some peeps over for Xmas Eve but it's just not the same without my other kids nor my grandparents.  It's just another sad day, but I've got to get it together for my littlest one, who will recieve the entire Barbie village.

Shame...and yes it was

Okay, so I wasn't all over the Michael Fassbender dick like everyone else, but when I saw that I was actually lusting for him-because he's been in about as many movies as Sam Jackson-I had to flip my tune.  Then, I saw the eye fucking preview of his movie, Shame, and I was hooked.  I knew that it was time for me to go see him on the big screen.

This happened today.  All I'm going to say is that I saw it.  I'm not gonna say if I went to the movies or what, but I saw it in all it's naked, dangling, sex addicted glory.  This is a movie that will haunt you for days after you've seen it.  I was so invested into it that I watched it with everything I had and when I was done, I felt like I had had sex with all those women (and men) along with him.  I felt every emotion he showed in his face and during one of the most outrageous scenes-as he declined further into his addiction-I thought I was going to slip out of the seat because I was so turned on.  What? Elaborate?  Sure, why not-so he's in a bar and he's hitting on this chick and I mean, he has hit rock bottom at this point...so he's hitting on this chick with a mini skirt and he's asking her all kinds of vulgar shit.  But because he's so sexy when he's doing it, that makes it okay.  He asks her, "Does your boyfriend go down on you?  Because I would, I would like to go down on you and stick my tongue inside you when you come."  Child, gasp and moan-I done caught the vapors!  Then, as if that wasn't enough, he took his two fingers, ran them up her skirt, into her vag and licked them.  Jesus, Jehovah, Father God, I knew I was going to hell, but when he ran his tongue over those fingers, I thought I saw into 47 dimensions of light.

Does this make me wrong for going through all these emotions when I watched this movie?  I can't say.  I know the only addiction I had was borderline anorexia or whatever that is when you start working out and you just can't stop.  I mean I was counting calories and running everyday, lifting weights, I was a woman obsessed.  So in that sense, I could understand his sexual addiction.  It was like he really wanted to stop and he couldn't because it was so good.  The actual fucking, the skin on skin, the looks afterward, the smells, the intertwining of limbs and the act itself just had him like a crackhead with a pipe of crack steaming in front of him.  I understood.  It was like no one can stop you until you stop yourself.  Even when he got his ass beat, he just got up and kept going back for more.  I'm thinking, "Damn, I know what that's like."  No matter how many people told me that I had a nice body, it just wasn't enough.  I just kept having to work out until one day I had enough.  I was thinking that it was getting ridiculous.  Now, I wasn't the type to go around and count calories for everyone else, but I was just getting downright freaky with it. 

It all turns you around when you see someone else exhibiting the same characteristics as you, then you realize how fucked in the head you really are.  In the movie, that was his sister.  His sister, Cissy, came to visit him and she was in some ways the antithesis of him and yet a mirror image of him.  He saw it when she slept with his boss after she only got to know him for 20 minutes.  He saw himself in her and he was repulsed by what he saw but that did not stop him from continually having sex.  And you know what, with a person like that, you just don't know if there is anything that ever will stop him.

Overall, the movie left me with more questions than answers.  It felt like we, the viewer, just stepped into these people's lives for a short period of time, when they both hit their fragile peak and once it passed, we were removed and they would go back on living.  Would I see it again?  I don't know, I will say when I was done, my body felt like it had had a full on sex marathon and I need a cigarette and a pint of ice cream-nah-a quart.  It's like Monster's Ball, I saw it once, but I won't see it again.  I mean the sex was just so raw, like just straight up fucking..no love, just get over to the window, now I'm gonna take you from behind.  Get in the bed, I'll do you and your friend. Just do it. do it. do it.

Indulge me, Michael Fassbender, with your sexy fuck me stare

Feeling Inspired

It only happens a few times a year that I feel this creative energy rushing through me and I'm all giddy and inspired and shit.  I mean I got the new Zero 7 album from my sister and am listening to that very loud- I mean no harm, no foul, right? My neighbors get up with their one year old at 8 am on Sunday and decide to practice marching and talking loud up and down the hallway, the people beneath me decide to start hammering at 945 am when me and mine are trying to get sleep-so hell yeah-blast some Zero 7!!!

I was checking and updating my job postings when I stumbled across my super duper almost dream job-a librarian.  I applied for a librarian job before and it got down to me and someone else.  I always got the feeling if I got that job at Georgetown on the cusp of electronic media coming out (and I would have had a mac), my life would have been fantastic.  But we cannot meditate and live in the past can we?

So, today, I've got to put all my energy towards applying for this job.  Am I a nanny to two kids right now? Yeah, but I have to apply for jobs to get my unemployment, so I just keep pushing forward. If I get it, then what?  Cross that bridge later.

And to think, I haven't even taken my meds today....

Oh and can I just say how I love the month of October?! I love fall all the way up to Thanksgiving, then it's mondo depression until January.  I hate Thanksgiving, I hate Christmas like you don't even know.  But October to me is like the sound of rustling leaves, the smell of fresh leaves being raked in a pile, the shining of sun through a crumbling building that may have spirits walking the halls.  Man, I love all that shit.  It's like my creative stream just rushes from my fingers faster than I can hold on to it.  How do you formulate a story and write down plans when you feel like your brain is on speed and everyone is moving so slow around you?

Cheers to you and yours...I'm taking care of me and mines.

Using the Force

I talked to my father this weekend.  He determined that the glue that held our family together died.  My grandmother.  And that got me thinking-glue? Was she the glue or was she the crazy glue?  She was the glue because she came up from nothing and worked so hard to get something, only to die in the arms of her son.
 
I was thinking okay.  She lived, died and accomplished much.  She helped me get over my lisp and we all had good times.  But then, I got to thinking-what am I doing right now to make myself a better person.  Or how am I using the Force within me?  What do I want to be?

I guess this started off as one thing and became a diatribe on how I can improve myself.  The question is am I doing as much as I could be doing to get myself together or am I just drifting by?  I think I'm  just drifting by aimlessly, hoping to die and start all over again.  BUT...BUT what if I decided to change so radically that it even alarmed me?!  What if I turned my life and credit around so fast and to be so good that people would look at me like, "Whoa, if she could do it, I can too!"

The question is do I want to and how do I go about doing it?  I guess I'll have to start at my most basic self and that would be the religious base.  Working my way up to the physical and mental.  Stop dating losers or giving losers a chance and just actualizing on myself to show my kid that she can also be all that she wants to be or all that she can put her little mind to?

I went to see the Solar Decathalon today and it was interesting.  Took lots of pictures, was kinda inspired but I guess I just need to think a bit more before I post again.

I do miss my grandma though.  Sometimes, I really wish she was here and remembering things we did in the past as opposed to not.

Really Zoe Saldana....I Mean Really?

After a lusty night of True Blood (praise God for cable and naked men-since I'm not getting any.  And thank you Lord for TIVO that allows me to rewind, slow mo and pretend insert my name into sexy actors mouths...) and reading a really good book that is scaring the bejesus out of me, I just have to say, I keep seeing this crapfest called Columbiana with Zoe Saldana.

Now, let me just give you a little history.  Ms. Saldana is Dominicana.  So, uh, yeah, she's playing a Columbiana out for revenge on some bad guys that killed her family.  Expect to see her scrawny ass walking around in a bra and panties, hair flying, bad ass tattoos and watch her carry guns that have enough recoil to break her bony little arms.  But I digress from my bitchiness..

What we are talking about here is the Columbians.  A few years ago, hell maybe last year, I read an article in the Washington Post about Black Columbians.  Oh, you didn't know they existed?  Hell, nobody does, why? Because they are what I refer to as "the hidden people".  It's like well we don't want to see them, so let's put them in shanty town, shitty little houses and make like they don't exist. Eventually, we will kill them off or breed them with enough lighter skinned Columbians they will assimilate.  So, my question is how is this chick gonna play a Columbiana when the country won't acknowledge their existence, nor help them?  Why couldn't it be called "Bad Ass Dominicana".  It's like me playing a Brazilian. Yeah, I got the accent down and stuff, and I could probably pass, but would I really want to do it?

What a messed up world we live in where crap like this is produced.  And I'm sure at one point these words will come out of her mouth, "It was a cathartic experience because I got to embrace my Dominican heritage, while learning about Columbian heritage as well."  Another thing, why is her dad in the previews light skinned?  I mean, who am I to say with my Heinz 57 background?  My nieces and nephews run all kinds of rainbow coalition colors and my kids are all biracial, so I'm just completing the circle of life.  But I will tell you this, if they ask me about themselves, I would tell them to be proud of who they are and not to pretend to be who they want or what is accepted.

Keep Getting Knocked Down

Did you ever have a day or a week in which you feel like you just keep getting knocked down and it's like I can not get back up. Each time I stand, it feels like someone is pushing me down. So, you figure, I should just stay down.  That has been my life since March.  Since I turned 40, my life has been a crap shoot.  Illustrated with the following craptastic events:

1. I get hired for a job and fired before I even begin.  I spent a day there, taking notes at a meeting and they call me and tell me never come back.  No explanation, no excuse, no letter (like they promised) just zilch.
2. I actually had to ask an organization to pay my rent for two (now maybe 3 months) because my unemployment won't cover it.
3. I worked with a temp agency and I had to leave the assignment because of a death in the family.  Now I don't even want to get in touch with them to see if they want me back because they lost a big contract.
4. I am on more drugs now than I ever was in my life.  It's like I just don't even care, but I take them and I still get sick after being told I wouldn't.

So, what's a girl to do-aside from sitting on the floor and watching episode after episode of Snapped or the History International Channel?

1. I signed up with a new temp agency that promises to get me more than what I was making before, which is awesome!
2. I signed up for a new job locator service that delivers results to my inbox daily. I can save them and go back and apply for jobs.
3. I think I have a pretty good support network that I need to use a bit more.
4. I have some networks I haven't tapped into yet.

It's like this, I need to help myself more, instead of just sitting around waiting.  It's hard because I like summer, I being home with little one and just chilling.  I just need to recognize that I need to be a bit more proactive.

I will just end this brief synopsis with this:

"I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down.."